Drug Test

Continuing with the theme of being treated like a criminal, today I was required to perform a drug test for the coal company. I've been trying to get this over with for two weeks now at the Elkford Health Care Center, but small towns seem to leave small windows of opportunity for such things. The only time they seem to be able to do drug tests is while I'm at work. Frustrating. So today I ended up doing the drug test AT work. Allow me to elaborate on this awkward situation for you.

I'm escorted to the first aid office where I'm introduced to Ed, the man who will be carrying out the drug test. He takes me to a room that has two old fashioned barber chairs. I wondered if he was going to give me a haircut and shave my face for me as well. After signing a few forms I was handed a cup "from a sealed plastic bag", he pointed out. I was then escorted to a bathroom that was connected to the room. There was no door on this bathroom. If there was, it wasn't getting used right now. Ed had to stand in the doorway while I was charged with filling this huge plastic cup. As I stood there, holding the cup in front of me, waiting for the pee to come, I noticed how utterly silent this room was. No ticking clock. Nothing. This is when it got really awkward. I knew that Ed was waiting to hear a little trickle... but nothing was coming. One minute passed. Still nothing. Another minute passed as I cleared my throat and tried to imagine a less awkward situation. Finally I asked Ed if he could turn on some taps or something. At first he laughed... then he realized that I was serious. Eventually he did turn on some taps in the other room. Perhaps the awkwardness was getting to him as well. What a pal. I continued to stare at the cup. The cup seemed to get bigger every time I looked at it. Emptier and emptier. I figured this must be how it feels to be really old when you have to grunt and groan for ten minutes in order to get your pee out. I don't envy those people at all.

At long last a wave of mercy came over me and enabled me to fill the cup. Phewf. At this point Ed took the pee cup from me and went back into the other room. He kept referring to it as 'the specimen' as he poured it into various cups. Call it what you like, pal, but it's still a nasty cup of pee! He dipped what looked like a piece of litmus paper into one of my cups of 'specimen'. This was apparently to ensure that I hadn't tampered with 'the specimen'. Throughout all of this, I couldn't help but be disgusted at what was going on. Not only could he clearly feel the warmth of 'the specimen', but he also took the time to point out the temperature gauge on the cup as it rose up. Sick. I had to awkwardly stand there as he performed science experiments on my pee and triple sealed 'the specimen' into bags and containers. As if peeing in a cup isn't embarrassing enough, here I was watching some stranger play with my pee before my very eyes.

Anyways, I made it through the experience and learned a valuable lesson today: "Consider it pure joy, dear brethren, when you can pee without someone watching you."