Off Topic: Awkward Moments

I think some of my friends know me as, “one who attracts awkward situations”. I don’t deny this. I often find, much like my dear friend, Matt Yeomans, that awkward situations are the spice of life. Nothing makes life interesting like a good awkward moment. Not only does it make you quite aware that you are alive and well (though wishing you were dead), it also gives you some excellent stories to tell at a later date. I for one, have many an awkward situation to keep the grandchildren entertained. First things first, though. If you’re hoping to read about my Adventures in Egypt, this is the wrong post for you. I am taking an intermission from my adventures and am instead taking some time to inform you, my faithful readers, how to enjoy awkward situations. I shall do this via a case study.

The case study goes as such: your friend is helping you fix your air conditioner and in doing so, electrocutes himself (I use the masculine tense, because what woman would attempt to fix an air conditioner for you? Now what is a female activist to do here? Argue that women can fix air conditioners? Or let it slide because women aren’t dumb enough to electrocute themselves?). Now, your friend is not dead from this calamity, nor is he unconscious. He is merely (not merrily) dancing around the room shouting at the top of his lungs. In other words, he is slightly out of sorts.

Now, put yourself in that room while your friend is dancing around screaming. Just what are you supposed to do in this situation? I hardly think asking, “Are you okay” is going to help the situation! Some people may join in the screaming and dancing, just because they subconsciously want to empathize with their friend. I remember when I was little and I hurt my friend and made him cry, I would often start crying as well. But I really don’t think this is the way to get through this awkward situation.

Here is my step by step recommendation. Step 1. Act like nothing happened. Step 2. Hold in your laughter. Step 3. Empathize by saying, “It’s okay, take a moment to recompose yourself. I don’t mind.” Step 4. Leave the room and excrete your laughter into a nearby pillow. Step 5. Re-enter the room holding a glass of water, offer it to your friend, and ask, “Is it fixed yet?” Step 6. Grab some Kleenex to stop the bleeding from your nose. Step 7. Realize that you are the victim in this whole fiasco.

There you have it, folks! You have turned this awkward situation into an event where nearby women will shower you with their pity, rather than your lame friend who can’t even fix an air conditioner. Note the importance of Step #1. Acting like nothing happened increases the awkwardness factor and thus, increases the enjoyment of the awkward situation. I used electrocution in this case study because I can recall multiple times where I have been in the presence of someone who has electrocuted themselves, and I can’t help but notice how awkward it is when that happens. Now, I hope each of you can benefit from these simple words of wisdom. Perhaps you can even contrive a situation where you can try out these seven simple steps. One example of this would be to drop an earring in the toaster, hand your friend a fork, and ask him to fish it out for you. If he thinks to unplug the toaster before his heroic rescue attempt, casually plug it back in without him noticing. Now that I think of it, this method could probably be useful for ending a relationship that you think is going nowhere. Just drop that engagement ring into the toaster and let the fiancée do the dirty work. If you’re lucky, there won’t even be a need to dump him, and you’ll be showered with pity by all his friends and family. I should write a book about this.