Top 5 Signs You're in a Small Town

#5. Food you buy at the local grocery store either expires the day you bought it, or has already expired.

#4. Whenever a siren is heard, it'll be the talk of the town for the rest of the week.

#3. When somebody drives by, whoever you're with will know exactly who drove by, where they're going, and probably even when they're coming from. They'll also be able to give you a detailed family history of said person, as well as what their aunt Susan is up to these days.

#2. When people give out their phone number, it is only four digits long.

#1. People talk about Wal-mart like it's a good thing. Not only that, but they'll excitedly talk about the new Wal-mart that just opened up in Pincher Creek. They'll probably even make a weekend outing out of checking out the new facility. It too, will be the talk of the town.

The Comfort of Familiarity

I've been working in the coal mines for almost a month now, and I've started to notice some similarities between working here, and in Egypt. Here are the top 5 similarities:

Dust. Coal dust is everywhere here! Somehow coal dust flies through the air and lands on everything in my office. I'll wipe off my desk, and then 5 minutes later I run my fingers across the desk and find them black. Egypt was covered in sand. Sand would make its way through the air and into every nook and cranny of my life. The main difference is that the dust here is pure black.

Morning clouds. I often walk to my bus stop here in Elkford and catch the clouds still sleeping with the trees. The creeks and rivers have mist rising from them as well. Most mornings in Egypt I would bike to work through a thick cloud of smog and pollution that had settled on the streets overnight. Sometimes it would be so thick that it would burn my eyes. Some times you could barely see more than a block or two away because the smog was so thick in the mornings.

Cheap Rent. I pay $200 a month for my place in Elkford. I paid even less than that in Egypt.

Friendly People. Unlike Calgary, people in Elkford actually make eye contact with you when you pass them in the streets. Many people wave, or say hello to you here. Of course, that's probably because you know all of them. In Egypt, people would definitely wave and say "Hallo, what's your name?" as you passed them in the streets.

Dishes. We have no dishwasher here. Or rather, the dishwasher is named Matt and Ryan. I hate that joke. I also hate doing dishes. This was the situation in Egypt as well, only the dishwasher was named Rob and Ryan. I miss the days of chasing after Rob trying to whip him with a wet towel.

Well, those are the top 5 similarities between living here and in Egypt. Stay tuned for the "Top 5 Signs You're in a Small Town".

The Heagys - Part 2

Here are a few more pictures of the happy Heagy couple. I figure these will be the last of them cause when the baby comes, I'll go running the other way.

The Combat Wombats!

These are a few of the pictures I took at our last soccer match. I believe the Combat Wombats (our team) won 6-0. This Saturday we have a tournament to wrap up the season and declare a true winner. I'll be sure to tell you how that turns out. In the meantime, check out the full gallery of pictures from last Thursday's game.

My Middle Eastern Journal

People are always bugging me to post my adventures from last July online. Today I gave in and posted them. I think I've got it set up so you can view my journal pages as a slide show. You'll probably want to hit the "PAUSE" button right away unless you're a speed reader. From there you should be able to use the arrow keys to move back and forth between entries. You'll probably want to maximize your browser windows as well. Let me know if you have problems. Anyways, without further ado, click here to read it!

Preggo Portraits

These pictures are my first attempt at portrait photography. They're of my friend Jenn Heagy, who I think is about 8 months pregnant right now. I have others that include her husband Ryan (not me), but I haven't processed them yet, so you can't see them! Ok, that's all for now!

Drug Test

Continuing with the theme of being treated like a criminal, today I was required to perform a drug test for the coal company. I've been trying to get this over with for two weeks now at the Elkford Health Care Center, but small towns seem to leave small windows of opportunity for such things. The only time they seem to be able to do drug tests is while I'm at work. Frustrating. So today I ended up doing the drug test AT work. Allow me to elaborate on this awkward situation for you.

I'm escorted to the first aid office where I'm introduced to Ed, the man who will be carrying out the drug test. He takes me to a room that has two old fashioned barber chairs. I wondered if he was going to give me a haircut and shave my face for me as well. After signing a few forms I was handed a cup "from a sealed plastic bag", he pointed out. I was then escorted to a bathroom that was connected to the room. There was no door on this bathroom. If there was, it wasn't getting used right now. Ed had to stand in the doorway while I was charged with filling this huge plastic cup. As I stood there, holding the cup in front of me, waiting for the pee to come, I noticed how utterly silent this room was. No ticking clock. Nothing. This is when it got really awkward. I knew that Ed was waiting to hear a little trickle... but nothing was coming. One minute passed. Still nothing. Another minute passed as I cleared my throat and tried to imagine a less awkward situation. Finally I asked Ed if he could turn on some taps or something. At first he laughed... then he realized that I was serious. Eventually he did turn on some taps in the other room. Perhaps the awkwardness was getting to him as well. What a pal. I continued to stare at the cup. The cup seemed to get bigger every time I looked at it. Emptier and emptier. I figured this must be how it feels to be really old when you have to grunt and groan for ten minutes in order to get your pee out. I don't envy those people at all.

At long last a wave of mercy came over me and enabled me to fill the cup. Phewf. At this point Ed took the pee cup from me and went back into the other room. He kept referring to it as 'the specimen' as he poured it into various cups. Call it what you like, pal, but it's still a nasty cup of pee! He dipped what looked like a piece of litmus paper into one of my cups of 'specimen'. This was apparently to ensure that I hadn't tampered with 'the specimen'. Throughout all of this, I couldn't help but be disgusted at what was going on. Not only could he clearly feel the warmth of 'the specimen', but he also took the time to point out the temperature gauge on the cup as it rose up. Sick. I had to awkwardly stand there as he performed science experiments on my pee and triple sealed 'the specimen' into bags and containers. As if peeing in a cup isn't embarrassing enough, here I was watching some stranger play with my pee before my very eyes.

Anyways, I made it through the experience and learned a valuable lesson today: "Consider it pure joy, dear brethren, when you can pee without someone watching you."

My Run-in with the RCMP

Today I drove back to Elkford from Calgary via Highway 22. Just as I turned off of Highway 22 onto the Crowsnest Pass, an RCMP vehicle drove past me heading the opposite direction. Unphased, I continued driving. Suddenly the RCMP vehicle pulled a U-turn on the highway and approached my vehicle from behind. At that point we were driving in an area with a passing lane. I was driving in the right lane, the RCMP officer was driving in the left. As it approached my vehicle, I slowed down, but kept driving, assuming that the officer was simply off to an emergency of some sort. Eventually the RCMP vehicle came up beside me and the officer inside waved her arm towards me a couple of times, signaling for me to pull over. She cut in front of me and stopped as I pulled over, unsure of what I could have done wrong in the three seconds I had been on this new highway for. The vehicle in front of me pulled over as well. So here we have three vehicles sitting on the side of the highway: some random dude in front, then the RCMP officer, and then me. The officer sat in her vehicle for a few minutes, like they always do... most likely trying to make us pee our pants as we wait to hear the dirt they have on us. At last she got out of her vehicle and walked to the guy in front. As she did so, it occurred to me that I had no idea where my vehicle's registration information was kept. I tore the inside of the vehicle apart looking for it as inconspicuously as possible. Eventually I realized that what I thought was an airbag was actually a glove compartment that opens from the top. Weird. So I found the registration info and sat back in my seat and waited. At this point I noticed my heart was pounding. I had no idea why I had been pulled over. Did one of my friends report this vehicle as stolen as a prank on me? Did the officer have me mixed up with an escaped convict? Was I dragging a cow behind me? The possibilities were endless. Perhaps an angry truck driver radioed the description of my vehicle to the police because he was jealous that I could get to my destination faster than him. What a jerk!

The officer returned to her car as the first guy pulled ahead and off the road more. She pulled her vehicle ahead as well. Confused, I pulled my vehicle up as well. At this point I wondered if those two were playing some prank on me. I've seen Super Troopers, I know how this stuff works! Soon the RCMP lady would drive off and leave me thinking that I was off the hook. Just as I were to pull away, she would come roaring back and arrest me. Not today! The RCMP lady got out of her vehicle a second time and approached my vehicle at long last. I casually opened my window and tried to put on the best confused face I could.

She asked, "Is there something I can help you with, sir?"
I raised an eyebrow and replied, "Uh, no... I don't think so."
At this point she says, "So what are you doing pulled over here, then?"
This time I raised both of my eyebrows, "You were telling me to pull over, were you not?"
Her answer was, "No, I was telling you to move out of the way so I could pull this other guy over. You should always come to a stop when a police officer approaches you from behind."
"Oh, ok."
"Have a nice day, now."
"Ok, bye."

So I drove off, fifteen km over the speed limit.

My Review of Last Night's Band Concert

Last night I attended the legendary Elkford Secondary School band concert. I call it legendary because from this day forth you shall know what a momentous event this was. Here's how it went:

The night began with everyone filing into the school gym. The spectators sat on the wooden bleachers (no backs, of course), and the performers sat on orange plastic chairs laid out in semi-circle rows in the middle of the gym. To the right were a number of wooden benches for the students to sit on when their particular band wasn't performing. This is a small town school of about 140 students, which explains the lavish surroundings.

Eventually the performers all find their way into their seats. The tuning begins, first with a single clarinet, then the rest of the clarinets, then the saxophones, trumpets, trombones, and over to the flutes. The audience is asked to rise for the playing of the national anthem. We all stand as the band plays a proud, yet ever so slightly out of tune rendition of 'O Canada.' This is where the show begins... not necessarily in the music, but in the performance. Looking back to the percussionists, we see a couple of guys snickering with each other as another lazily beats out the rhythm to 'O Canada.' After the song ends, most of the students move over to the side benches while the Concert Band stays in the orange seats to wow us with their material.

While the bands sitting in the orange chairs played, there was always a side show going on in the benches. People whispering, people not bothering to whisper, people slapping each other, people dropping their instruments. If only we had something going on to the left it would've been like a three ring circus! A few songs into the show when the intermediate band stepped up to play, another bit of excitement happened. About twenty seconds before the end of the song, the female clarinetist sitting in the front row on the end (remember, it's a semi-circle, so she's in the seat that is the closest possible seat to the crowd) threw up all over herself. It sprayed out all over her music stand and doused her clarinet. The conductor didn't see it happen. The song went on, the final eighteen seconds feeling like an eternity for the spectators. Finally it ends and a lady escorts the girl out of the gym.

At this time the bands moved around again. I was terrified that someone was going to slip in the barf and fall. The entire time I had a disgusted look on my face that was impossible for me to remove. I then began to worry that a sour smell was going to waft my way and taint the rest of the concert for me. Luckily Gertrude (I forget her real name) the janitor came in and moseyed her way over to the woofed cookies. My face was still scrunched up the way it does when I have to clean a toilet. It couldn't be helped. Finally the show went on. The conductor had the audacity to suggest that the girl would hopefully be back to finish the show.

At this point in the show the guitar class came up to perform for us. This was like nothing I had ever seen before. Imagine twenty-eight acoustic guitar all playing at the same time. It was certainly a first for me. Since nobody could keep the same rhythm as the person next to them the songs sounded as though there was major reverb and echo effects added to them. It was a symphony of guitars playing popular rock songs. The band teacher was kind enough to sing the lyrics for us. I can't remember all of the songs, but one in particular stood out: 'Whiskey in the Jar' by Metallica. Perhaps now is a good time to describe the band teacher to you. He was a short, stout, middle-aged, slightly balding white guy. The image of this guy singing a Metallica song along with 28 amateur acoustic guitarists was simply unreal. The icing on the cake was watching how each person had their own style of playing. One girl would bob her head with each downward stoke on the strings. Another would passionately sing along with the band teacher as she swayed slightly from side to side. A guy on the right counted so intensely you could read his lips. My favorite was a girl in the back who only pretended to play as she confusingly looked at what the person next to her was doing.

Eventually the other concert bands came back up and played songs such as 'Lowrider',
a medley from Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, some Beach Boys, and the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean. I will remind you, this is a concert band we're talking about, not a garage band or anything that might have electric guitars or vocalists. The evening drew to a close when the students played their final song of the year. The song was played quite well and was coming to a climax near the end when suddenly the band teacher stopped everyone dead in their tracks. He told the drummer to switch with another percussionist who was just standing there. At last they played the final thirty seconds of the song. Apparently the band teacher wanted to make a dramatic ending for his percussionist student by allowing him to finish the song... his last time playing at that school. Personally, I think there are better ways to go about honoring a person than by ruining the final song, but hey, it was funny to watch the students try to figure out what was going on. Everyone thought the original drummer was in trouble for some reason. Weird.

All in all the evening seemed very quirky and enjoyable. I remember seeing a girl playing her clarinet when she started to laugh. Her clarinet emitted a high-pitched squeal from the sudden burst of air into the instrument. That reminded me of my days in band class when I played the saxophone. When I was in band the guy sitting beside me would always let out huge farts in the middle of songs we were playing. We were on metal chairs, so the sound would really resonate. This would cause me to blow into my sax and make it squeak. That would make him do the same, which would make the other saxophonists follow suit. Eventually there would be one big honk coming from our section and the band teacher would be furious. That made it even worse because we all know that when you try to hold in laughter it only makes you want to laugh harder. That was kind of how I felt all night.

One of the students on our soccer team asked us why we came to their concert. Apparently she has a different sense of humor than us.

Spokeman Tour

Hello friends,
I wanted to take some time today to introduce you to a friend of mine. His name is Tim Harriman and he is currently biking across Canada. Why? To raise awareness (and money) for childhood cancer. Tim had his own battle with cancer a few years back. This is how he describes it:

"In September 2002, at the age of 14, I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL), a form of cancer in the blood common in children. To the shock of my family we were told that my prognosis was poor and I would need to undergo 2 ½ years of treatment. This included high dose chemotherapy and radiation. I was faced with some challenging decisions that made me question whether it was worth going through the treatments. With the support of my family, friends, church, s chool and community, I found the determination to fight my cancer. At times I had to dig deep to find the strength and courage to continue. After nearly 3 years I have completed my treatments, which have been successful."

I met Tim while counseling at Camp Chamisall a few years ago, and saw him again a few weeks ago as he was preparing for his journey across Canada. He is keeping a blog of his Adventures in Canada, and since my blog has always been devoted to adventures, I thought I would direct you to his blog. Follow his journey at www.spokemantour.com. I will also add a link to right navigation bar. Now, Matt is whining about me taking too long, so I have to go. We're due at the neighbor's house for dinner.

Forget Hockey!

Soccer is where it's at now. Tuesday after work, Matt and I headed over to Pincher Creek to coach our U-16 soccer team from Elkford. Matt is normally the assistant coach for this team, but the actual coach wasn't there, so Matt became the coach, and I became the self-proclaimed assistant coach. Together Matt and I led our team to a 7-0 victory against Fort MacLeod. I take full credit for this victory. Clearly I had everything to do with it.

Tonight we will head out to Crowsnest Pass (maybe Coleman or somewhere around there) to murder another poor and unsuspecting soccer team. Apparently we're leaving this minute, so I need to go now.

**UPDATE** We took the Crowsnest team 2-0 tonight.

My First Day

My worst nightmare has come true: I must wake up every day at 5:30 am. I didn't even know there were two 5:30's in each day! I have to be at the corner of my street by 5:55 to catch a bus that will take me up to the mine so I can start working by 7 am. On the drive up today we passed a number of elk (eek?) and moose (meese?). Throughout the drive Dennis (my new boss) also pointed out where mountains used to stand, and where they now stood. Through the mining process here, mountains are literally moved from one place to another while the coal is extracted from the mountain.

Arriving at the mine site, we passed through electronic toll-booth-style gates which are opened up using a remote from inside the vehicle. The area inside these gates is outside the jurisdiction of the RCMP. As Matt put it, it is like sailing through international waters. I'm not allowed to take pictures of the mine site, otherwise I would take some and show you folks where I work.

My title at this job is a "PC Analyst" which means that I'm the local computer nerd. But this isn't your typical nerdy office job. I wear steel toed boots to work, along with jeans, a hard hat, and safety glasses. That's the cool kind of nerd. Rugged.

Elkford

I moved to Elkford today. It's a little coal mining town in BC. I will be working for the mining company doing computer work for them. Hopefully it's not too bad. I'll try to get some pictures up here soon. Bad news, though: I forgot my tripod in Priddis. Life goes on, though...

Full Moon

Last night I ran outside and shot pictures of the full moon. After taking 30 or so shots, I decided that I wasn't happy with any of the pictures. BUT, since I need something to show for my efforts, I have decided to display these three pictures. The first one is a long exposure of the moon that makes it seem as though it's the sun. The second one is a slightly blurry closeup of the moon that I'm fairly unhappy with... but I figured you'd be disappointed if you didn't see any actual 'full moon' pictures when that's the subject of this series, so I included it. For you. The third picture is a long exposure looking towards the glow of Calgary. You'll notice that an airplane decided to make its way into the picture as well.